Dear Blue Velvet,
I am a 20-something libidinous male with a big hard dick and buckets of come to spare. I am in a long-term, committed, open relationship with the girl of dreams. I go to sex parties all the time and do sex with lots of ladies, and my girlfriend loves it! I tell her all about doing sex with other ladies while doing sex with her, and it makes have orgasms. The problem is, I get so jealous when she wants to sex party with other guys. I think it's hot sometimes (during sex), but most of the time it freaks me out, even though I know from my own experience that extra-marital relations are not nearly as meaningful or fulfilling. How can I get over my anxiety and enjoy hot, steamy orgies with my girlfriend?
Please help!
Sex Party Safari
Dear Sex Party Safari,
Your problem reminds me of a dark time in my life when I dated this angry gossip columnist. When we first started dating he informed me that he was orphaned as a young child and later adopted by a family who were hardcore Church of Christ. These facts did not concern me for two reasons: One, my best friend is adopted and she's completely well adjusted and normal. Two, I'm not from the American South, so I had no idea what it meant to be brought up in the Church of Christ. (It turns out that growing up a former orphan/hardcore CoC means that you will be a perpetually pissed, hypocritical adult with severe abandonment issues.)
He attended a Christian college, which I later discovered was affiliated with the Church of Christ. He told me that he went there because it offered the best scholarship and that he was really a liberal atheist. I was apprehensive--because who would live a lie for four years of their life?--but I believed him.
One night we were at a bar and, naturally, I was drinking heavily. After about three shots, I said to him, "Do you want to fuck in the bathroom?" and he was like, "No way! Are you crazy! We could get into trouble!" I blamed his modesty on the fact that he was a secret goody-goody, CoC weirdo. In hindsight, I'm relieved we didn't have relations in that disgusting bathroom.
After the bar, we went to his house for a party. I invited my friend Risa. Most of the details escape me, but I know that at one point the angry gossip columnist caught me making out with Risa on the porch. He was very angry, indeed! He separated us immediately. The next day I giggled, "I think I made out with Risa last night!" He angrily said, "Yeah, you fucking did and that wasn't all. The two of you were trying to get me to have a sex party with you and I had to kick her out of my house and drive her home. You disgust me. I don't want you hanging out with her anymore."
And so it began.
The months and months of over lording that followed that night were insufferable. Due to a set of unbelievable and unfortunate events, I was forced to move in with him. Day after day he studied my every move, analyzed each word that passed my lips, read my top secret diaries, emails and FB messages. I was getting stalked by my own boyfriend! How does one report that to the police? "Hi Police? My name is Blue Velvet and I am being stalked. Yes, I know my stalker. We live in the same house. Yes, I realize that cohabiting with my stalker is a bad idea. He follows me from room to room! I'm being suffocated. No, not literally. Help! Can I get some sort of protective order for him to stay away from me for at least four hours a day? Preferably during meal times so that I never, ever have to listen to him eat with his mouth open again?!"
I was accused having (imaginary) affair after affair. Trust me when I say that there was no possible way that I could escape him long enough to even hug another person. The angry gossip columnist's fuse became shorter and shorter. His blood bubbled and boiled until his face matched his ginger hair. One night he violently exploded on me. I moved out the next day.
Dearest Sex Party Safari, I implore you to embrace your girlfriend's sex partyin', or suffer the same fate as the angry gossip columnist. You might not have grown up as a former orphan/CoC freak, but you have all of the early symptoms (anxiety, jealousy, hypocritical thoughts and actions) that could result in you morphing into an obsessive, paranoid, rage-filled, red-faced, violent stalker. It sounds like you have an ideal situation with your lovely lady. Do not allow yourself to succumb to your mild insecurities. Besides, it's not like anyone ever met their future significant other at a fucking sex party. Calm the fuck down, dude.
Love,
Blue Velvet