Costanza II
A One Act Play
Starring:
Blue Velvet
Costanza
Special Guest Stars:
Kuntry Kuzin
Motorhead
Prologue:
Costanza (via email): Subject line: Daiquiri
Please text me and let me know that you got this email. I deleted your contact numbers, etc, but remembered your email. Text me now, as I need to converse with you.
Blue Velvet: (No response)
Costanza (via email): Subject line: Hand Grenade
I am so sorry. I deleted your number in a drunken rage. Please speak with me! I need to talk to you about something very important!
Blue Velvet: (No response)
---Fade to Black---
Opening Scene:
Blue Velvet is in yet another unnamed foreign city. She has just arrived to her hotel suite after having a few drinks with a mysterious Frenchy named Pierre. Pierre told her an epic joke about an alligator tooth or something and she is struggling to recall it while scribbling in her moleskin. The phone rings. She cannot answer it because she didn't purchase the international cell phone package and the charges would be astronomical. That's AT&T for you. The phone rings again and again and again. The number is blocked and she's certain it is Costanza.
Costanza (via text): What's going on? I have urgent info to tell you. Please text me back, ASAP.
Blue Velvet (via text): I'm out of the country. WTF?! I can't make/receive calls. Stop calling! It's driving me crazy. I thought you deleted my number. How did you get it again?
C: (Sends random youtube video)
BV: Um?
C: Call me
BV: I am not in the United States!
C: So?
BV: I can't make/receive calls here.
C: Were you in another country the night of the wedding?
BV: Ha! I totally thought you were lying about being in Cincinnati!
C: Ha! I totally wasn't. You couldn't at least pick up your phone and tell me? I went to see you.
BV: I thought you'd be angry with me. I really was just trying to catch you in a lie. I still can't believe you went.
C: Obviously I'm not a liar. Okay, maybe sometimes I lie.
BV: I'm not moving to New Orleans.
C: Probably for the best.
BV: Don't contact me again.
C: I'm shedding a tear with regard to your evilness.
BV: That sucks.
C: Obviously you could care less if I live or die. You should just take the apartment you want in New Orleans. I will pay for it even though it's too expensive and then I'm moving to Miami in August.
BV: Great! Thanks! Did you ever think that if you stopped being a liar that perhaps I'd believe you once in a while?
C: I am moving. I will still pay for your place because that's what kind of a "REAL" friend I am.
BV: Seriously. Stop being dramatic. I thought you filed for divorce on Friday. Was that another lie?
C: I wish I had a real friend. You are a sociopath.
Motorhead to BV (via FB chat): Dude! I totally figured out how to buy drugs on the Internet and I'm having them sent to your house. What do you want?
BV to Motorhead: Vicodin? Coke? I'm in! You should totally address the packages to Jack Lawrence.
BV to C: Jesus Christ.
C: I'm leaving New Orleans and (my wife) is staying. That's why I'm leaving.
BV: I bet she won't want to stay when she finds out I'm there.
C: Yeah, maybe she'll come with me.
BV: Look, dude, I'm not participating in this nonsense conversation anymore.
C: Ha
BV: You're acting nutty! Again!
C: I only sound nutty because we're texting.
BV: Ha!!
C: Call me when you get back to the US. I love you.
BV: You are fucking crazy.
C: Crazy for you
----Fade to Black----
Kuntry Kuzin: I totally wasn't invited to that wedding, either. I just climbed on a third refrigerator. Do not talk shit with me!!!!
BV: The June bender has officially begun
KK: Yes it has
End Scene